i can’t make up my mind.
i haven’t had a drop of alcohol for weeks. i’ve been eating a lot more dairy and it’s killing my stomach. i’ve been exercising. i’ve been eating fucking chocolate bars. i’ve been up and down and all it’s done is leave me in a painful rut. A painful unhappy rut.
I just…
Why must you understand yourself? I mean, I do understand why you want to.. but do you need to? If worrying and pondering these things worsen your anxiety, then let them go. Easier said than done for the anxious, I know - I suffer anxiety myself, and you’d be oohhhh aroundabouts the second person I’ve ever told that - but take a breath and note that worrying on them will achieve nothing, and consciously put them aside and turn your mind to something else, anything else, so long as it is distracting.
As for the eating, the exercising, you needn’t be outright one or the other. In fact you can’t be - just ask me how I know! Why not just do what suits you that day? Approach it one day at a time. If it suits you to run that day, do so. If you don’t feel like it because you ran yesterday or you feel flat or you know you’ve a full day on your feet, then don’t. Same for your eating perhaps, have what you like at that time, though in your case you’d need to keep in mind what hurts you. If you know coffee will make you ache later, then skip it, or try decaff. Don’t have or do something for the sake of it or because it’s what that Lissy would have or do, the Lissy you think you should be or might want to be that day!
So why must there be rules anyway? Why must you make up your mind on defining yourself as something to be adhered to? Perhaps who you are is someone who feels a little different each day. Like.. me! Like everyone, I suspect. And rules…. they’re a pain to stick to, and it sounds to me like they’re a pain for you to decide upon in the first place! >_<
